may I?

I search for traces of me

In your thoughts and musings

I need a validation

That I am missed

That there’s a difference

Now that I’m

“gone”

before the year ends

I hate you
no, not true

I'm too sad
to feel that
vehemently

I understand
yeah, somewhat

logically
step by step
the whys
the bigger picture
realistically speaking

Whatever.

I am still sad.

and starting to feel angry
though I know
it will never get to that point

I don't know anger
not to you
probably
ever

when I'm thinking about you
and trying to articulate
how I feel

and I always end up crying

how did it happen
that the person
who knows
all my saddest secrets
my most private thoughts
and all
my overwhelming dreams
is not
not that person
to be entrusted with
these things anymore

I cry for myself

not the time I can never get back
not out of anger
not cause I miss you

I cry for many conflicting things
and feelings
and just that

that I'm very sad right now.

hello december

another morning bedtime
another day ends
and all I want to do
is check in with you

another quiet quietness
that gets to me
and I feel my eyes
welling up

you were a habit
and a solace

that I need to get rid of
shouldn't be replacing with
with something else

so I'll just keep still
in my own company

because I cannot afford to
get myself in any
heartache
distraction
trouble

I do
I do miss you
undeniably
I will not deny myself that

I will ride this one out
and I will do so
with patience

and a little respect
consideration
for me
and the things, the real things
that make
keep me happy

oh I miss you so badly
but it's high time
that I learned
that I am enough
to keep me company

dead
I was dead
at
that moment you were pinning me down
hand in hand
palm to palm
were you watching me intensely
behind those lashes
I am powerless against

dying
falling asleep
entangled in each other's arms
naked in your warm sheets
winter
waking up
still there

I remember so vividly
laughing
joking
being weird
but never awkward
in between the fucking
laughing, comfort
knowing
feeling like we've known each other for a while
it felt like
it was so natural
and effortless
to be there
dare I say
meant to be

UGH
you had me
you have me now
after that
hugging
holding me in place
as we waited for my bus
after we walked in the fields
after that doggy
and his owner greeted us
your charming small talk
ugh
my heart swelled

on a street corner
bundled up
me on the phone
you looking out for my bus
engulfed in that
heady, British scent of yours
it felt like
we've done it a hundred times
why must you feel so boyfriend-y
so intimate and familiar

I suppose I should've felt
sadder as I saw you from my window
and we drove away
but it felt
like a see you later
rather than
I will be halfway across the world
in less than 36 hours

I want to be with you

I am itching

Dying to be with you

Looking for you

Your similarities

Traces of you

In all the wrong people

cjt

Some days I really miss you. Like today.
I didn't have a bad day. But it ended with me, feeling not quite like myself.
I know that it would make me feel better
if I could talk to you.
And you would listen.
Pay attention because you see me.
Face to face.
No distractions because you see my expression.
The minuscule hesitation.
The bits of sadness and confusion.
You won't miss that.
Because I will be right in front of you.
And isn't it unfair that I feel a physical clenching sensation within my chest.
you are not here.
And you have no responsibility to be here.
I cannot ask you to be here.

Brazilian

hurts like hell
but you're smooth as a baby.

breezy
and easy
makes me wanna spread my legs
um
that easy?

hypersensitized

oh.
things that are bugging me today.