before the year ends

I hate you
no, not true

I'm too sad
to feel that
vehemently

I understand
yeah, somewhat

logically
step by step
the whys
the bigger picture
realistically speaking

Whatever.

I am still sad.

and starting to feel angry
though I know
it will never get to that point

I don't know anger
not to you
probably
ever

when I'm thinking about you
and trying to articulate
how I feel

and I always end up crying

how did it happen
that the person
who knows
all my saddest secrets
my most private thoughts
and all
my overwhelming dreams
is not
not that person
to be entrusted with
these things anymore

I cry for myself

not the time I can never get back
not out of anger
not cause I miss you

I cry for many conflicting things
and feelings
and just that

that I'm very sad right now.

hello december

another morning bedtime
another day ends
and all I want to do
is check in with you

another quiet quietness
that gets to me
and I feel my eyes
welling up

you were a habit
and a solace

that I need to get rid of
shouldn't be replacing with
with something else

so I'll just keep still
in my own company

because I cannot afford to
get myself in any
heartache
distraction
trouble

I do
I do miss you
undeniably
I will not deny myself that

I will ride this one out
and I will do so
with patience

and a little respect
consideration
for me
and the things, the real things
that make
keep me happy

oh I miss you so badly
but it's high time
that I learned
that I am enough
to keep me company