personal effects

I have a secret
not so secret
hiding in plain sight
cosmetic purse

should my mum
open it
all my tiny
not so tiny
daughterly sins
would come
tumbling out

emergency slut lacy panties
should there be
an unexpected
call for booty

must be
presentable
at all times
be ready,
like a girl scout

a box of condoms.

that should
rightly horrify parents
then on the off-chance
that it brings
some sense of security
(thank god she's being
safe & responsible)
I'd have to admit
the actual reason
why these 4-month old
rubber latex
are still
in their
original packaging
is that we
(yes we)
have stopped.
using condoms
and just rely
on my pills
and the
ever so unreliable
pulling-out
barely before
his ejaculation

sorry, mother

cigarettes
I have long quit smoking
the very month
I met this boy
cos I wanted to
cos he wanted me to
cos my pills require me to
but these recent days
oh, old habits
how you refuse to die

KY jelly
oh so innocently packaged
like toothpaste
how kind and discreet
your manufacturers are

a toothbrush
blue
the most innocent
article

could be, maybe, yes

but I am keeping
a toothbrush
for a boy
for the numerous sleepovers
check-ins
nights spent together
mornings waking up together
smelling like
each other's tongue

I am keeping
a toothbrush
that I bought for him
cos I care about his teeth

doesn't that
send you
to a slight panic?

in the Aftermath

of a deadline

the ex-fashion editor

requesting

a bespoke piece

and you

spending the night

after a terrible fight

(my fault)

the dishes are waiting

nothing is in its place

clothes on the floor

blanket

pillow

feathers

studs and pearls

on the floor

my ball of yarn

from India

nothin' to do with you

makes me think

of a tiny you

(you said

as a kid

all round things

made you 

want to kick it around,

soccer nation)

my hair

is the musky scent

of your chest

my pillows

like

we've been

rolling around on them

throughout the night

the sheets

a mess

you, me, me, you

pins and needles

my tiny house

is my studio

my desk

the bed

an extension of

my desk

woke up

coughing

(suffocating?)

under your arm

pressed tight against 

your body

coughing up

fur fabric

We Are All Looking For That Someone Whose Demons Play Well With Ours

Falling in love

In red-lit hotel rooms

If I still smoked

I would light a cigarette

Porn on the television

The school girl whimpering

In between cuddles

And tongue kisses

Stories from my childhood

Confessions of your past

You could destroy me

But I watch you sleep

Peaceful like a little boy

I could take care of you

Falling in love

In my bedroom

The afternoon sun

Hits you in such a way

That you are golden

In between fights

You say petty, I call them

Your bullshit

How do you trust someone

So deceitful?

When they dump

All their sins on your lap

Do you swallow

Or do you spit

Falling in love

In the dark

The sun is setting

My aunt would be arriving soon

You tell me of things

I do not understand

I do not care for

My attention wavers

But your eyes burn into mine

Part sermon

Part confession

The demons that we walk with

And I cannot look away

My fascination holds me

And keeps me

saturday

it gets messy, right?
at some point
we have to draw the line

limits and definitions
get blurry

when all I taste
on my mouth
is your tongue

when all I smell
when I inhale
is your scent

that spot on your chest
where I am just tall enough

not sure why
what
keeps me obsessing

when it's really not that good
all the time
right?
right?

you said so
I agreed
with a hearty laugh
we laughed
you're relieved

so what are we doing
this for
what keeps us
both
coming back for more

why play stupid
dear god
save the animals

-

Annoying as Fuck

I am not getting what I want
what I need
what I want
and what I need

I am getting
bitchy
and starting to act
like a little bitch

and I don't like it

I don't like me.

And by
guilt by association

Me no likey you no more.

C

what am I getting myself into
hmmmm

I don't know
anything

why did I think
I could be
ready for this

panic.

Nakakapanibago

how stark different you are from him
the other so unreadable
with you
everything laid out
like tracks to a song

so rigid
untouchable, him
before you
and here you are
barely keeping your hands
off me

both of you speak of futures
with a me in it

things that scare me
things that affirm me
I am an end-goal
oriented
motivated 
kind of person

on his end, 
invested but undefined
on yours,
in it for the long run.

scary
Virgin Mary

in seconds
what I have wanted 
him to say
for years
came tumbling out 
of yours

no holding you back
but my fingers on your lips
no, please

right or wrong
true or not

in private
him vs you
nothing to compare with

you showed up
he shied away

to the world

both of you
takes some effort
to be
seen out in public with

neither here nor there

part of the territory
that's on me
that's on whoever's
arm I am on