I Wait For No One

yet I wait for you

for I am 8 hours ahead
seven in the summer

I wait for you
to get off work
to go online
to be chatty

I don't even feel sorry for myself
I am wondering though
if this makes me pathetic

but I wait for you

wait for what exactly

used to be to see each other
talk, with a video
oh creator of Skype
you should get a Nobel price

make myself look cute
while I stare at your handsome face
that stubble growing on me

conversation progresses
five, 6, eight hours pass
we watch videos, movies

talk intensely
beliefs, the world, food, music, the weather
I take a shower, you watch
the monitor is shaking
I know what you are doing
I give you something more to watch
high heels that drive you crazy

I make myself cum
you're watching
how many times
do I make you cum in a day

porn doesn't do it for you anymore
I amp up the heat
to prove a point
I hate that you look for porn
when I am here, so willing.

we talk more
I don't sleep
I wait for you still

then the things I say
get through to you

and maybe I wasn't paying close attention
or don't know you well enough
I met an intense man in the middle
of a personal struggle

and me being me
raised issues and questions

and that being that

oh it's so complicated
I can't
it's not about me

so I wait for you

then you stepped your foot down
asked to stop
not tone down
but to stop
all the sex stuff

porn addict wanting to get better
sex maniac with a moral conflict
child of God
(your words)
wanting to be true to his nature

okay, I say
I feel rejected, yes
but I understand
it is not about me
even if it was something I said
that triggered all this

and extrovert, feels me
did what I felt I had to do
at that moment
fessed up
to loving you

who does that shit?

you thanked me for my honesty
and things didn't get weird

we still talk around the clock
your parents know about me

but the video chats are few and far between
non-existent for the past month or so

I miss you terribly
and it doesn't feel like I can do something about it

I don't even want to let you know
but I slip once in a while
and I drop the M word

you do too
you say
you care a great deal about me
you say

when we do get to be together
you would want it to be pure

oh that makes my heart flutter

what am I waiting for again

oh, right
you.
Until your day catches up with mine
here I am waiting

I wait for our chance
just one chance
to see if this can be real

Look what you made me do

I wish I was in your bed right now

I wish you were naked and warm

Beneath my skin

I wish your hands were wrapped around

My waist, stroking

Clenching, relaxing

While I cling to your neck

My fingernails tracing lazy patterns

On your back

I wish I was in between your sheets

How and why

Does a man’s sheets feel different

I wish I was entangled

In the full length of your arms

Leg swung over your side

My generous thighs

Resting on your slender hip

Careful not to hit, hurt or squish

Careless, teasing.
Wake up, come hither.

I wish I was not alone

Halfway across the world

Sun about to wake my side

Yours in the early night

We could just be

Idly chatting

Not time to sleep, yet

I would settle for

Just sleep in your bed

No monkey business

Funny how it is

To pine for somebody so far

There is no immediate antidote

(you take whatever you can get

do you really need so little back?

almost nothing to go on with

is this the death of your self-respect

or maybe
just a tad bit delusional
wishful thinking, assuming)

Funny how one person

Can consume so much of your thoughts

Do you really know him

Or do you just

Think of him way too much

Does he think of you as much

Does it matter

I love you, it’s none of your business

It really is none of your business

I should just deal with my shit

Take care of this problem

Shouldn’t I?

Or maybe I should try

To be a little more patient

Impatient one

Let you deal with your own issues first

Yours fare worse than mine

When you speak of

Damaging your soul

(in my own words)

Oh I so want to take care of you

And fuck you senseless all in one breath

TRex

Try to read between the lines
What I'm not saying
But actually mean

For such a smart man

For someone who is so sensitive

I don't know if you're playing numb
Or just plain ignorant

You used to pick up on
Little nuisances
Now, nothing

Try. Try for fuck's sake

Try to remember what I said before

Try to feel what I'm feeling

Try to understand
What I'm dying to tell you
Say again
But too disheartened to
Now

After I already did
And you said your thanks

Try to

Read between the lines
And goodbyes

And know why this is necessary.

Dinosaur

there is no immediate release from this
all I can do is
wait it out
ride it out

I love you

I was unburdened
then shy

shied away from you

I am impatient
and insecure

and the distance
time zones
is not helping

Favourites

I am in love with the universe
there
I figured it out

I do not love you
you who blew my mind
whose photos I keep
touch I constantly remember
your smile it haunts me
I constantly want to talk to you
no
'tis not love
(the word 'tis belongs to you too)

nor you
who I said I love you to
cause you said it first
and I knew you didn't mean it
we were just saying it
because we both knew
how ridiculous it could probably be

ah that unexpected phone call
in a Japanese restaurant
in Notting Hill
your lazy accent
and drawling
dear lord
if you weren't such a male specimen
I swear you sound so gay

you said I should stay
and we could get married
have beautiful babies

wasn't the first time you said that
you rapped something
along those lines

oh white boys that rap
such a cute effort

your house
your gay flatmate
how you endlessly chatter
how you endlessly remind me of me

intense meets intense
nerdy but all man
quick to laugh
ah the perfect lover

no I do not love you
my British music producer in the making
nor you
my beautiful working class Dutch-Persian

though in those moments
I felt loved
I felt love

kissing on the streets of Europe
a stroll in the field

words only lovers utter
your boss perfume
grasping in between violet purple sheets
stolen moments by the pub

oh love

oh universe

Moody Myrtle

if I stop
if I go still and quiet
the little beads
of sadness
of the cold
will creep up on me

if I don't say it out loud
it doesn't seem real

without an audience
without a friend
to affirm
with just me knowing
it does not exist
it is nothing.

who has the right
to dictate
what goes on a diary

can something
anything

be kept a secret
private
on the great big abyss of the internet


---


I am annoyed that you are getting to me
you are right
he was right
she was right
I am not the most discreet person in the world
something I am that I never apologized for
why do I feel the need to correct that now
must be
cause you didn't get mad
just disappointed
ah but I feel the need
to please you
and I know
you are right
I am annoyed that you are getting to me

I know nothing

man I don't have anything to say
but I feel like I need to keep on talking

I would like to talk about you
but I have exhausted all of my friends

I would like to talk to you
but I don't really know what about

that call last Friday
was a deal breaker

it drew the line loud and clear for me
though what I'm feeling cannot be
clearly deciphered as of the mo

I now know
that I want nothing to do with you
now
or the future

I want you out of my country
safe and sound

back to your mumsy
you 26 year old momma's boy

back to your home where you are normal
normal kid growing into the man you were brought up to be

not here where it brings out all the worst in you

not here where you don't stand a chance
the second they land their eyes on you

I want you out
safe and sound

the dream of what could've been is dead now
and it's okay.
I do not harbor any ill feelings toward you
it's just done

but I need for you
to be not here
but safe and sound
back home