I know nothing

man I don't have anything to say
but I feel like I need to keep on talking

I would like to talk about you
but I have exhausted all of my friends

I would like to talk to you
but I don't really know what about

that call last Friday
was a deal breaker

it drew the line loud and clear for me
though what I'm feeling cannot be
clearly deciphered as of the mo

I now know
that I want nothing to do with you
now
or the future

I want you out of my country
safe and sound

back to your mumsy
you 26 year old momma's boy

back to your home where you are normal
normal kid growing into the man you were brought up to be

not here where it brings out all the worst in you

not here where you don't stand a chance
the second they land their eyes on you

I want you out
safe and sound

the dream of what could've been is dead now
and it's okay.
I do not harbor any ill feelings toward you
it's just done

but I need for you
to be not here
but safe and sound
back home

one last time

I want to talk to you
but I shouldn't

I want to convince you
but it would probably be half-hearted

we've done this several times already
we fight terribly
we break up
then we get back together

I hate when you say we're not compatible
cos I know you're probably right

we are two very different person
with very same serious flaws

and I thought that would be our thing
what would make us stronger
last longer
cos our love would always be hard at work

I do not know when to quit

but you are so good at making me realize things
that I already know

but should you want to try again
my god. I would. in a heartbeat.

that's how I love you badly.

stupid little girl.

oh.

isn't it so annoying and cliche
that on the day i threw out
the once beautiful, blooming and colorful bouquet
you gave me
now brown and wilted and dehydrated and sad
we called it quits.

I didn't want to

like what my sign says about me
I am fiercely loyal

on that day that I decided
I want to ride it out with you
I wasn't making idle promises

like how you once put how you felt about me
I was tied to you

you are many things I was looking for
and many things surprising
that I wanted and needed

until now I am not mad
nor disagreeing
about the things you said about me
and all my flaws

and isn't so awesome and degrading
to hear you fears
and shortcomings
you think of day in day out
come from the mouth
of someone you are in love with

like I so. Want. Need.
to work it out with you
cos you can see through the bullshit

but I need
a little more faith

and I can feel that I have drained out
all that you have left for me

Talking is Overrated

I wouldn't know where to start
it's been more than days
I don't know how to make conversation
would you even want me to?

Last time I checked,
we weren't okay.

Last time we fought,
I think that was on you.

It doesn't really matter
Who started it
who is to blame
doesn't really matter

as long as you 
want to fix it.
Do I want to fix it
(yes)
Do you want to fix it.
I don't know.

I would consider it 
a rejection
if we weren't on the same page.

I am afraid of rejection.

So let me just keep silent.
As we waste more time away.

Dear you

These are real tears.
Not the fake cry
I pulled on you
that night
I admitted I kissed my ex
(before seeing you)
I'm sorry for that

This is real blood in my mouth.
No, you didn't hit me.
I'm brushing my teeth so hard
I'm scrubbing my gums out.
I don't know if 
I'm trying to block out thoughts
if I just like the sound of the bristles
(comforting, normal. 
As opposed to everything being not when it concerns you)
or maybe I just like it
the taste of blood in my mouth

Like that time I bit your lip down
so hard
you bled.
Or that time we were making out like crazy
children. Juvenile.
I could taste blood on my tongue.

Blood and tears
crying while I'm on my period.

personal effects

I have a secret
not so secret
hiding in plain sight
cosmetic purse

should my mum
open it
all my tiny
not so tiny
daughterly sins
would come
tumbling out

emergency slut lacy panties
should there be
an unexpected
call for booty

must be
presentable
at all times
be ready,
like a girl scout

a box of condoms.

that should
rightly horrify parents
then on the off-chance
that it brings
some sense of security
(thank god she's being
safe & responsible)
I'd have to admit
the actual reason
why these 4-month old
rubber latex
are still
in their
original packaging
is that we
(yes we)
have stopped.
using condoms
and just rely
on my pills
and the
ever so unreliable
pulling-out
barely before
his ejaculation

sorry, mother

cigarettes
I have long quit smoking
the very month
I met this boy
cos I wanted to
cos he wanted me to
cos my pills require me to
but these recent days
oh, old habits
how you refuse to die

KY jelly
oh so innocently packaged
like toothpaste
how kind and discreet
your manufacturers are

a toothbrush
blue
the most innocent
article

could be, maybe, yes

but I am keeping
a toothbrush
for a boy
for the numerous sleepovers
check-ins
nights spent together
mornings waking up together
smelling like
each other's tongue

I am keeping
a toothbrush
that I bought for him
cos I care about his teeth

doesn't that
send you
to a slight panic?

in the Aftermath

of a deadline

the ex-fashion editor

requesting

a bespoke piece

and you

spending the night

after a terrible fight

(my fault)

the dishes are waiting

nothing is in its place

clothes on the floor

blanket

pillow

feathers

studs and pearls

on the floor

my ball of yarn

from India

nothin' to do with you

makes me think

of a tiny you

(you said

as a kid

all round things

made you 

want to kick it around,

soccer nation)

my hair

is the musky scent

of your chest

my pillows

like

we've been

rolling around on them

throughout the night

the sheets

a mess

you, me, me, you

pins and needles

my tiny house

is my studio

my desk

the bed

an extension of

my desk

woke up

coughing

(suffocating?)

under your arm

pressed tight against 

your body

coughing up

fur fabric

We Are All Looking For That Someone Whose Demons Play Well With Ours

Falling in love

In red-lit hotel rooms

If I still smoked

I would light a cigarette

Porn on the television

The school girl whimpering

In between cuddles

And tongue kisses

Stories from my childhood

Confessions of your past

You could destroy me

But I watch you sleep

Peaceful like a little boy

I could take care of you

Falling in love

In my bedroom

The afternoon sun

Hits you in such a way

That you are golden

In between fights

You say petty, I call them

Your bullshit

How do you trust someone

So deceitful?

When they dump

All their sins on your lap

Do you swallow

Or do you spit

Falling in love

In the dark

The sun is setting

My aunt would be arriving soon

You tell me of things

I do not understand

I do not care for

My attention wavers

But your eyes burn into mine

Part sermon

Part confession

The demons that we walk with

And I cannot look away

My fascination holds me

And keeps me

saturday

it gets messy, right?
at some point
we have to draw the line

limits and definitions
get blurry

when all I taste
on my mouth
is your tongue

when all I smell
when I inhale
is your scent

that spot on your chest
where I am just tall enough

not sure why
what
keeps me obsessing

when it's really not that good
all the time
right?
right?

you said so
I agreed
with a hearty laugh
we laughed
you're relieved

so what are we doing
this for
what keeps us
both
coming back for more

why play stupid
dear god
save the animals

-

Annoying as Fuck

I am not getting what I want
what I need
what I want
and what I need

I am getting
bitchy
and starting to act
like a little bitch

and I don't like it

I don't like me.

And by
guilt by association

Me no likey you no more.

C

what am I getting myself into
hmmmm

I don't know
anything

why did I think
I could be
ready for this

panic.

Nakakapanibago

how stark different you are from him
the other so unreadable
with you
everything laid out
like tracks to a song

so rigid
untouchable, him
before you
and here you are
barely keeping your hands
off me

both of you speak of futures
with a me in it

things that scare me
things that affirm me
I am an end-goal
oriented
motivated 
kind of person

on his end, 
invested but undefined
on yours,
in it for the long run.

scary
Virgin Mary

in seconds
what I have wanted 
him to say
for years
came tumbling out 
of yours

no holding you back
but my fingers on your lips
no, please

right or wrong
true or not

in private
him vs you
nothing to compare with

you showed up
he shied away

to the world

both of you
takes some effort
to be
seen out in public with

neither here nor there

part of the territory
that's on me
that's on whoever's
arm I am on

Logistics.

Carpet. Yacht cabin. Captain's chair. Kitchen counter. Laundry closet. Hotel bathroom.

Oh, Life

Sunday Habit
Mojito Mondays
Kinky Saturdays?

If you can't find structure in "what you do"
e.g. your "career"
e.g. your freelance work

At least,
Find some structure
in your Nocturnal Activities