Favourites

I am in love with the universe
there
I figured it out

I do not love you
you who blew my mind
whose photos I keep
touch I constantly remember
your smile it haunts me
I constantly want to talk to you
no
'tis not love
(the word 'tis belongs to you too)

nor you
who I said I love you to
cause you said it first
and I knew you didn't mean it
we were just saying it
because we both knew
how ridiculous it could probably be

ah that unexpected phone call
in a Japanese restaurant
in Notting Hill
your lazy accent
and drawling
dear lord
if you weren't such a male specimen
I swear you sound so gay

you said I should stay
and we could get married
have beautiful babies

wasn't the first time you said that
you rapped something
along those lines

oh white boys that rap
such a cute effort

your house
your gay flatmate
how you endlessly chatter
how you endlessly remind me of me

intense meets intense
nerdy but all man
quick to laugh
ah the perfect lover

no I do not love you
my British music producer in the making
nor you
my beautiful working class Dutch-Persian

though in those moments
I felt loved
I felt love

kissing on the streets of Europe
a stroll in the field

words only lovers utter
your boss perfume
grasping in between violet purple sheets
stolen moments by the pub

oh love

oh universe

Moody Myrtle

if I stop
if I go still and quiet
the little beads
of sadness
of the cold
will creep up on me

if I don't say it out loud
it doesn't seem real

without an audience
without a friend
to affirm
with just me knowing
it does not exist
it is nothing.

who has the right
to dictate
what goes on a diary

can something
anything

be kept a secret
private
on the great big abyss of the internet


---


I am annoyed that you are getting to me
you are right
he was right
she was right
I am not the most discreet person in the world
something I am that I never apologized for
why do I feel the need to correct that now
must be
cause you didn't get mad
just disappointed
ah but I feel the need
to please you
and I know
you are right
I am annoyed that you are getting to me

I know nothing

man I don't have anything to say
but I feel like I need to keep on talking

I would like to talk about you
but I have exhausted all of my friends

I would like to talk to you
but I don't really know what about

that call last Friday
was a deal breaker

it drew the line loud and clear for me
though what I'm feeling cannot be
clearly deciphered as of the mo

I now know
that I want nothing to do with you
now
or the future

I want you out of my country
safe and sound

back to your mumsy
you 26 year old momma's boy

back to your home where you are normal
normal kid growing into the man you were brought up to be

not here where it brings out all the worst in you

not here where you don't stand a chance
the second they land their eyes on you

I want you out
safe and sound

the dream of what could've been is dead now
and it's okay.
I do not harbor any ill feelings toward you
it's just done

but I need for you
to be not here
but safe and sound
back home

one last time

I want to talk to you
but I shouldn't

I want to convince you
but it would probably be half-hearted

we've done this several times already
we fight terribly
we break up
then we get back together

I hate when you say we're not compatible
cos I know you're probably right

we are two very different person
with very same serious flaws

and I thought that would be our thing
what would make us stronger
last longer
cos our love would always be hard at work

I do not know when to quit

but you are so good at making me realize things
that I already know

but should you want to try again
my god. I would. in a heartbeat.

that's how I love you badly.

stupid little girl.

oh.

isn't it so annoying and cliche
that on the day i threw out
the once beautiful, blooming and colorful bouquet
you gave me
now brown and wilted and dehydrated and sad
we called it quits.

I didn't want to

like what my sign says about me
I am fiercely loyal

on that day that I decided
I want to ride it out with you
I wasn't making idle promises

like how you once put how you felt about me
I was tied to you

you are many things I was looking for
and many things surprising
that I wanted and needed

until now I am not mad
nor disagreeing
about the things you said about me
and all my flaws

and isn't so awesome and degrading
to hear you fears
and shortcomings
you think of day in day out
come from the mouth
of someone you are in love with

like I so. Want. Need.
to work it out with you
cos you can see through the bullshit

but I need
a little more faith

and I can feel that I have drained out
all that you have left for me

Talking is Overrated

I wouldn't know where to start
it's been more than days
I don't know how to make conversation
would you even want me to?

Last time I checked,
we weren't okay.

Last time we fought,
I think that was on you.

It doesn't really matter
Who started it
who is to blame
doesn't really matter

as long as you 
want to fix it.
Do I want to fix it
(yes)
Do you want to fix it.
I don't know.

I would consider it 
a rejection
if we weren't on the same page.

I am afraid of rejection.

So let me just keep silent.
As we waste more time away.

Dear you

These are real tears.
Not the fake cry
I pulled on you
that night
I admitted I kissed my ex
(before seeing you)
I'm sorry for that

This is real blood in my mouth.
No, you didn't hit me.
I'm brushing my teeth so hard
I'm scrubbing my gums out.
I don't know if 
I'm trying to block out thoughts
if I just like the sound of the bristles
(comforting, normal. 
As opposed to everything being not when it concerns you)
or maybe I just like it
the taste of blood in my mouth

Like that time I bit your lip down
so hard
you bled.
Or that time we were making out like crazy
children. Juvenile.
I could taste blood on my tongue.

Blood and tears
crying while I'm on my period.