The 4AM Log

I just woke up from a dream.
I was running.
It started out normal, like a normal day,
a normal memory
Though the people were all jumbled up
Friends from grade school
friends from high school
friends from now through the business
Friend C wanted to see
T's house
apparently she is loaded.
In a neighbourhood I used to live in
(tho it didn't look anything like the real one)
There was normal girl gossip
one I was not partaking in
Judgement passed on another girl
just cause she was eager and curious.
People looking for people.
Vague reasons.
Then I took off for a while.
I started running.
On an off.
Mostly to speed things up.
Mostly to take a shortcut.
When I came back,
the place where I have left them in has become
a church.
A mass, a wedding, a big ass congregation.
Saw friends again
why them, why  this people
My group has already left
I see them walking away
I call out
but in the throng of people
I am not heard.
I see friend T.
She owned the house
My things are with her
she hands them over
a bit of chatter
I see another old friend as T was leaving
a big coat on her
complaining to her sister
(I also see G, I encourage him with his career
he flashes a big, frozen, empty smile
one that is just plastered on
one that you do not mean)
She has a problem with what she is wearing
no one told her that THIS this is what she was wearing
to this wedding
took a second
before I realized
her dress was hideous
I was talking
then we had to break the conversation up
I was leaving again
I see an old friend
a once client
a friend who has unfriended me
Her husband beside her
I told her, cheerfully
I am going to Europe
*silence*
How have you been, I ask
Somewhere in between
a shrug and a smirk
delivered with a frown and a look of disgust
Ah. She still hasn't forgiven me.
I took off running.
and another one disappointed in me,
Run.
through the church
through buildings
through streets
by the pools
up and down inside the village
Grass
concrete
wood
Where I shouldn't pass
I am running
on fours now, maybe
I feel the part of my arm below the elbows
hitting the ground as I run
maybe I am part animal now
I run
run more
Don't really care
where I am going
at first I thought I was just finding my way
out of this old place
on the way home
Now I am just endlessly running
up, down
up, down
flat.
Like a video game
through houses
and backyards
and gardens
Now I am running
and people take notice
They point at me.
They come after me.
I didn't realize they were hunting me down.
I have become
part monster
part animal
And they want to punish me
hurt me
eradicate me
I am defensive and I continue on running
to make a point
I easily pick one guy up
have I become a giant?
I scale a wall
he is in my hands
I eat his head off
blood, blood, chew
His friend tries
to cut me
but I am way up on the wall
he tries to cut me
and he almost chops off
my toes
but I fled again
I am running once more
I bounce and leap
and I hear them
oooh and aaah
and scream
I feel their fear.
And this time I am trying to escape.
I have not realized,
I have become something they fear.
I am something they do not understand.
then I wake up.

on this day

What am I unhappy about?

That I do not want to be here

That I worry about money all the time

That I have plans and dreams

And they are amazing

But I do not know how to fund them

That I feel sorry for myself

That I’m not comfortable

In the house I live in

This space used to be mine

Now I have no privacy

That I do not like my country

Or the industry

That I don’t particularly, generally

Like the people around me

Day in,

Day out

And you are my escape

Again.

Escape.

Pegged on a person, I’m sorry.

I do not like my life

It is nowhere near

Where I thought it would be

It is stellar in this and that aspect

But what do I have to show for

All this

All this

For what so far?

I wish I had a workshop

People employed

My stuff selling

People getting paid

Me getting paid

Money to buy dinner

Take people out

Wish I had my own space

My own bed, my own room

Money for tickets to fly to Europe

My clothes sold to buyers in bulk

Dear providence,

I am very thankful

Help me find what I am looking for

I need something

I need more

Remind yourself that this is just struggle

And not the sum of who you are

Not unhappiness,

Just struggle.

Tis temporary

Do not lose sight

Do not lose hope

Honorato Floro

my Father,
and I love him dearly

is annoying me right now

for the past months now

I know he means well
and I am grateful
for everything
EVERYTHING

but we are two very
very, very different
species of person

at the crack of dawn
hardworking man that he is
he gets up
to be the first employee at the office

at the crack of dawn
I am wide eyed
sitting in front of a monitor

I think,
on some unconscious level
he resents me for this

me, no one asked me
but I feel
intruded on
a figure moving around this time of the day
when the world should be dead to me

all the asking, asking, asking me
it is pesky

always, ALWAYS
you mean well, I KNOW

but you do not ask to know
you are not particularly listening
do not really understand

and that is not your fault.

My world is far removed from yours

I need some breathing space.

And I thank you
for all that you have done for me
for being there-here-now
the sacrifices
the genrousity
the patience
I really am thankful
sincerely, eyes burning, tear-threatening
to fall
Thankful

but I am in dire need of some distance
away from you.

I am no longer a child.
Have you noticed perhaps?

and though
I may
am thoroughly enjoying
all the perks
of being your child

maybe I ought to grow the fuck up
let the tradeoffs
the comforts
go
in exchange for my
being an adult.

and you
ought to let me go, too.
and try not to resent me for it.

I am sorry it is taking me too long
to find my wings.

I miss you, miss you

there would come a time when I
when this will no longer be enough
when this missing you
when this thinking of you
when this waiting for god knows what
will not be worth it

I am starting to feel it in me
I am slipping.

I am making a decision
that does not involve you
but concerns you

I cannot go on like this forever
no one really asked me to, anyway
not you, that is for certain

you are not coming through
even in the smallest things

and though it is not fair
to think that you should be doing so
and I have no right
to ask this of you

you do not want me
you do not love me
you do not need me
what am I here for?
I don't want to be your friend.
I don't need another one.

don't waste your time on me
you're already the voice
inside my head
I miss you, miss you.

it doesn't seem like
we will get the chance
to try and see
if we could be
if we would get along
or not

do I wait for nothing

get on with my life
I am a hopeful
hopeless romantic
and I cannot play it cool
I get attached quickly

but maybe it is high time
I started using my head

I do need something to go on with
where are you?
not here
where are we.
nowhere, really
never been anywhere

I Wait For No One

yet I wait for you

for I am 8 hours ahead
seven in the summer

I wait for you
to get off work
to go online
to be chatty

I don't even feel sorry for myself
I am wondering though
if this makes me pathetic

but I wait for you

wait for what exactly

used to be to see each other
talk, with a video
oh creator of Skype
you should get a Nobel price

make myself look cute
while I stare at your handsome face
that stubble growing on me

conversation progresses
five, 6, eight hours pass
we watch videos, movies

talk intensely
beliefs, the world, food, music, the weather
I take a shower, you watch
the monitor is shaking
I know what you are doing
I give you something more to watch
high heels that drive you crazy

I make myself cum
you're watching
how many times
do I make you cum in a day

porn doesn't do it for you anymore
I amp up the heat
to prove a point
I hate that you look for porn
when I am here, so willing.

we talk more
I don't sleep
I wait for you still

then the things I say
get through to you

and maybe I wasn't paying close attention
or don't know you well enough
I met an intense man in the middle
of a personal struggle

and me being me
raised issues and questions

and that being that

oh it's so complicated
I can't
it's not about me

so I wait for you

then you stepped your foot down
asked to stop
not tone down
but to stop
all the sex stuff

porn addict wanting to get better
sex maniac with a moral conflict
child of God
(your words)
wanting to be true to his nature

okay, I say
I feel rejected, yes
but I understand
it is not about me
even if it was something I said
that triggered all this

and extrovert, feels me
did what I felt I had to do
at that moment
fessed up
to loving you

who does that shit?

you thanked me for my honesty
and things didn't get weird

we still talk around the clock
your parents know about me

but the video chats are few and far between
non-existent for the past month or so

I miss you terribly
and it doesn't feel like I can do something about it

I don't even want to let you know
but I slip once in a while
and I drop the M word

you do too
you say
you care a great deal about me
you say

when we do get to be together
you would want it to be pure

oh that makes my heart flutter

what am I waiting for again

oh, right
you.
Until your day catches up with mine
here I am waiting

I wait for our chance
just one chance
to see if this can be real