before the year ends

I hate you
no, not true

I'm too sad
to feel that
vehemently

I understand
yeah, somewhat

logically
step by step
the whys
the bigger picture
realistically speaking

Whatever.

I am still sad.

and starting to feel angry
though I know
it will never get to that point

I don't know anger
not to you
probably
ever

when I'm thinking about you
and trying to articulate
how I feel

and I always end up crying

how did it happen
that the person
who knows
all my saddest secrets
my most private thoughts
and all
my overwhelming dreams
is not
not that person
to be entrusted with
these things anymore

I cry for myself

not the time I can never get back
not out of anger
not cause I miss you

I cry for many conflicting things
and feelings
and just that

that I'm very sad right now.

hello december

another morning bedtime
another day ends
and all I want to do
is check in with you

another quiet quietness
that gets to me
and I feel my eyes
welling up

you were a habit
and a solace

that I need to get rid of
shouldn't be replacing with
with something else

so I'll just keep still
in my own company

because I cannot afford to
get myself in any
heartache
distraction
trouble

I do
I do miss you
undeniably
I will not deny myself that

I will ride this one out
and I will do so
with patience

and a little respect
consideration
for me
and the things, the real things
that make
keep me happy

oh I miss you so badly
but it's high time
that I learned
that I am enough
to keep me company

dead
I was dead
at
that moment you were pinning me down
hand in hand
palm to palm
were you watching me intensely
behind those lashes
I am powerless against

dying
falling asleep
entangled in each other's arms
naked in your warm sheets
winter
waking up
still there

I remember so vividly
laughing
joking
being weird
but never awkward
in between the fucking
laughing, comfort
knowing
feeling like we've known each other for a while
it felt like
it was so natural
and effortless
to be there
dare I say
meant to be

UGH
you had me
you have me now
after that
hugging
holding me in place
as we waited for my bus
after we walked in the fields
after that doggy
and his owner greeted us
your charming small talk
ugh
my heart swelled

on a street corner
bundled up
me on the phone
you looking out for my bus
engulfed in that
heady, British scent of yours
it felt like
we've done it a hundred times
why must you feel so boyfriend-y
so intimate and familiar

I suppose I should've felt
sadder as I saw you from my window
and we drove away
but it felt
like a see you later
rather than
I will be halfway across the world
in less than 36 hours

I want to be with you

I am itching

Dying to be with you

Looking for you

Your similarities

Traces of you

In all the wrong people

cjt

Some days I really miss you. Like today.
I didn't have a bad day. But it ended with me, feeling not quite like myself.
I know that it would make me feel better
if I could talk to you.
And you would listen.
Pay attention because you see me.
Face to face.
No distractions because you see my expression.
The minuscule hesitation.
The bits of sadness and confusion.
You won't miss that.
Because I will be right in front of you.
And isn't it unfair that I feel a physical clenching sensation within my chest.
you are not here.
And you have no responsibility to be here.
I cannot ask you to be here.

Brazilian

hurts like hell
but you're smooth as a baby.

breezy
and easy
makes me wanna spread my legs
um
that easy?

hypersensitized

oh.
things that are bugging me today.

common

it's probably the wrong timing
or the wrong person
sooner or later
I'll figure it out
(the sooner the better)
no use forcing it to fit
again
no use reading way too much
of it
when it's lukewarm
your interest
exists
because mine does
ask me a personal question
but you can't be bothered
we're too busy
discussing you
me and my obsession
for people
me and my curiousities
me and my feelings
that always bubble to the surface
I was never one to be good at games
or holding out
letting myself roam free
always ends me in trouble
I should hold my own reins
maybe you're the wrong person for me

now back to me

my general mode is
I don't care about people
people care about me.

and when I start to care
about someone
the scale tips over

and I am all thumbs
clingyness
and awkward, fumbling
I like you
I don't know how to show it
without
feeling like
someone, one upped me

I don't do lukewarm
halfway
I am burning forest
all consuming
singlemindedness
all ostrich eggs in your hands.

can you handle this

The 4AM Log

I just woke up from a dream.
I was running.
It started out normal, like a normal day,
a normal memory
Though the people were all jumbled up
Friends from grade school
friends from high school
friends from now through the business
Friend C wanted to see
T's house
apparently she is loaded.
In a neighbourhood I used to live in
(tho it didn't look anything like the real one)
There was normal girl gossip
one I was not partaking in
Judgement passed on another girl
just cause she was eager and curious.
People looking for people.
Vague reasons.
Then I took off for a while.
I started running.
On an off.
Mostly to speed things up.
Mostly to take a shortcut.
When I came back,
the place where I have left them in has become
a church.
A mass, a wedding, a big ass congregation.
Saw friends again
why them, why  this people
My group has already left
I see them walking away
I call out
but in the throng of people
I am not heard.
I see friend T.
She owned the house
My things are with her
she hands them over
a bit of chatter
I see another old friend as T was leaving
a big coat on her
complaining to her sister
(I also see G, I encourage him with his career
he flashes a big, frozen, empty smile
one that is just plastered on
one that you do not mean)
She has a problem with what she is wearing
no one told her that THIS this is what she was wearing
to this wedding
took a second
before I realized
her dress was hideous
I was talking
then we had to break the conversation up
I was leaving again
I see an old friend
a once client
a friend who has unfriended me
Her husband beside her
I told her, cheerfully
I am going to Europe
*silence*
How have you been, I ask
Somewhere in between
a shrug and a smirk
delivered with a frown and a look of disgust
Ah. She still hasn't forgiven me.
I took off running.
and another one disappointed in me,
Run.
through the church
through buildings
through streets
by the pools
up and down inside the village
Grass
concrete
wood
Where I shouldn't pass
I am running
on fours now, maybe
I feel the part of my arm below the elbows
hitting the ground as I run
maybe I am part animal now
I run
run more
Don't really care
where I am going
at first I thought I was just finding my way
out of this old place
on the way home
Now I am just endlessly running
up, down
up, down
flat.
Like a video game
through houses
and backyards
and gardens
Now I am running
and people take notice
They point at me.
They come after me.
I didn't realize they were hunting me down.
I have become
part monster
part animal
And they want to punish me
hurt me
eradicate me
I am defensive and I continue on running
to make a point
I easily pick one guy up
have I become a giant?
I scale a wall
he is in my hands
I eat his head off
blood, blood, chew
His friend tries
to cut me
but I am way up on the wall
he tries to cut me
and he almost chops off
my toes
but I fled again
I am running once more
I bounce and leap
and I hear them
oooh and aaah
and scream
I feel their fear.
And this time I am trying to escape.
I have not realized,
I have become something they fear.
I am something they do not understand.
then I wake up.

on this day

What am I unhappy about?

That I do not want to be here

That I worry about money all the time

That I have plans and dreams

And they are amazing

But I do not know how to fund them

That I feel sorry for myself

That I’m not comfortable

In the house I live in

This space used to be mine

Now I have no privacy

That I do not like my country

Or the industry

That I don’t particularly, generally

Like the people around me

Day in,

Day out

And you are my escape

Again.

Escape.

Pegged on a person, I’m sorry.

I do not like my life

It is nowhere near

Where I thought it would be

It is stellar in this and that aspect

But what do I have to show for

All this

All this

For what so far?

I wish I had a workshop

People employed

My stuff selling

People getting paid

Me getting paid

Money to buy dinner

Take people out

Wish I had my own space

My own bed, my own room

Money for tickets to fly to Europe

My clothes sold to buyers in bulk

Dear providence,

I am very thankful

Help me find what I am looking for

I need something

I need more

Remind yourself that this is just struggle

And not the sum of who you are

Not unhappiness,

Just struggle.

Tis temporary

Do not lose sight

Do not lose hope

Honorato Floro

my Father,
and I love him dearly

is annoying me right now

for the past months now

I know he means well
and I am grateful
for everything
EVERYTHING

but we are two very
very, very different
species of person

at the crack of dawn
hardworking man that he is
he gets up
to be the first employee at the office

at the crack of dawn
I am wide eyed
sitting in front of a monitor

I think,
on some unconscious level
he resents me for this

me, no one asked me
but I feel
intruded on
a figure moving around this time of the day
when the world should be dead to me

all the asking, asking, asking me
it is pesky

always, ALWAYS
you mean well, I KNOW

but you do not ask to know
you are not particularly listening
do not really understand

and that is not your fault.

My world is far removed from yours

I need some breathing space.

And I thank you
for all that you have done for me
for being there-here-now
the sacrifices
the genrousity
the patience
I really am thankful
sincerely, eyes burning, tear-threatening
to fall
Thankful

but I am in dire need of some distance
away from you.

I am no longer a child.
Have you noticed perhaps?

and though
I may
am thoroughly enjoying
all the perks
of being your child

maybe I ought to grow the fuck up
let the tradeoffs
the comforts
go
in exchange for my
being an adult.

and you
ought to let me go, too.
and try not to resent me for it.

I am sorry it is taking me too long
to find my wings.

I miss you, miss you

there would come a time when I
when this will no longer be enough
when this missing you
when this thinking of you
when this waiting for god knows what
will not be worth it

I am starting to feel it in me
I am slipping.

I am making a decision
that does not involve you
but concerns you

I cannot go on like this forever
no one really asked me to, anyway
not you, that is for certain

you are not coming through
even in the smallest things

and though it is not fair
to think that you should be doing so
and I have no right
to ask this of you

you do not want me
you do not love me
you do not need me
what am I here for?
I don't want to be your friend.
I don't need another one.

don't waste your time on me
you're already the voice
inside my head
I miss you, miss you.

it doesn't seem like
we will get the chance
to try and see
if we could be
if we would get along
or not

do I wait for nothing

get on with my life
I am a hopeful
hopeless romantic
and I cannot play it cool
I get attached quickly

but maybe it is high time
I started using my head

I do need something to go on with
where are you?
not here
where are we.
nowhere, really
never been anywhere

I Wait For No One

yet I wait for you

for I am 8 hours ahead
seven in the summer

I wait for you
to get off work
to go online
to be chatty

I don't even feel sorry for myself
I am wondering though
if this makes me pathetic

but I wait for you

wait for what exactly

used to be to see each other
talk, with a video
oh creator of Skype
you should get a Nobel price

make myself look cute
while I stare at your handsome face
that stubble growing on me

conversation progresses
five, 6, eight hours pass
we watch videos, movies

talk intensely
beliefs, the world, food, music, the weather
I take a shower, you watch
the monitor is shaking
I know what you are doing
I give you something more to watch
high heels that drive you crazy

I make myself cum
you're watching
how many times
do I make you cum in a day

porn doesn't do it for you anymore
I amp up the heat
to prove a point
I hate that you look for porn
when I am here, so willing.

we talk more
I don't sleep
I wait for you still

then the things I say
get through to you

and maybe I wasn't paying close attention
or don't know you well enough
I met an intense man in the middle
of a personal struggle

and me being me
raised issues and questions

and that being that

oh it's so complicated
I can't
it's not about me

so I wait for you

then you stepped your foot down
asked to stop
not tone down
but to stop
all the sex stuff

porn addict wanting to get better
sex maniac with a moral conflict
child of God
(your words)
wanting to be true to his nature

okay, I say
I feel rejected, yes
but I understand
it is not about me
even if it was something I said
that triggered all this

and extrovert, feels me
did what I felt I had to do
at that moment
fessed up
to loving you

who does that shit?

you thanked me for my honesty
and things didn't get weird

we still talk around the clock
your parents know about me

but the video chats are few and far between
non-existent for the past month or so

I miss you terribly
and it doesn't feel like I can do something about it

I don't even want to let you know
but I slip once in a while
and I drop the M word

you do too
you say
you care a great deal about me
you say

when we do get to be together
you would want it to be pure

oh that makes my heart flutter

what am I waiting for again

oh, right
you.
Until your day catches up with mine
here I am waiting

I wait for our chance
just one chance
to see if this can be real

Look what you made me do

I wish I was in your bed right now

I wish you were naked and warm

Beneath my skin

I wish your hands were wrapped around

My waist, stroking

Clenching, relaxing

While I cling to your neck

My fingernails tracing lazy patterns

On your back

I wish I was in between your sheets

How and why

Does a man’s sheets feel different

I wish I was entangled

In the full length of your arms

Leg swung over your side

My generous thighs

Resting on your slender hip

Careful not to hit, hurt or squish

Careless, teasing.
Wake up, come hither.

I wish I was not alone

Halfway across the world

Sun about to wake my side

Yours in the early night

We could just be

Idly chatting

Not time to sleep, yet

I would settle for

Just sleep in your bed

No monkey business

Funny how it is

To pine for somebody so far

There is no immediate antidote

(you take whatever you can get

do you really need so little back?

almost nothing to go on with

is this the death of your self-respect

or maybe
just a tad bit delusional
wishful thinking, assuming)

Funny how one person

Can consume so much of your thoughts

Do you really know him

Or do you just

Think of him way too much

Does he think of you as much

Does it matter

I love you, it’s none of your business

It really is none of your business

I should just deal with my shit

Take care of this problem

Shouldn’t I?

Or maybe I should try

To be a little more patient

Impatient one

Let you deal with your own issues first

Yours fare worse than mine

When you speak of

Damaging your soul

(in my own words)

Oh I so want to take care of you

And fuck you senseless all in one breath

TRex

Try to read between the lines
What I'm not saying
But actually mean

For such a smart man

For someone who is so sensitive

I don't know if you're playing numb
Or just plain ignorant

You used to pick up on
Little nuisances
Now, nothing

Try. Try for fuck's sake

Try to remember what I said before

Try to feel what I'm feeling

Try to understand
What I'm dying to tell you
Say again
But too disheartened to
Now

After I already did
And you said your thanks

Try to

Read between the lines
And goodbyes

And know why this is necessary.

Dinosaur

there is no immediate release from this
all I can do is
wait it out
ride it out

I love you

I was unburdened
then shy

shied away from you

I am impatient
and insecure

and the distance
time zones
is not helping

Favourites

I am in love with the universe
there
I figured it out

I do not love you
you who blew my mind
whose photos I keep
touch I constantly remember
your smile it haunts me
I constantly want to talk to you
no
'tis not love
(the word 'tis belongs to you too)

nor you
who I said I love you to
cause you said it first
and I knew you didn't mean it
we were just saying it
because we both knew
how ridiculous it could probably be

ah that unexpected phone call
in a Japanese restaurant
in Notting Hill
your lazy accent
and drawling
dear lord
if you weren't such a male specimen
I swear you sound so gay

you said I should stay
and we could get married
have beautiful babies

wasn't the first time you said that
you rapped something
along those lines

oh white boys that rap
such a cute effort

your house
your gay flatmate
how you endlessly chatter
how you endlessly remind me of me

intense meets intense
nerdy but all man
quick to laugh
ah the perfect lover

no I do not love you
my British music producer in the making
nor you
my beautiful working class Dutch-Persian

though in those moments
I felt loved
I felt love

kissing on the streets of Europe
a stroll in the field

words only lovers utter
your boss perfume
grasping in between violet purple sheets
stolen moments by the pub

oh love

oh universe

Moody Myrtle

if I stop
if I go still and quiet
the little beads
of sadness
of the cold
will creep up on me

if I don't say it out loud
it doesn't seem real

without an audience
without a friend
to affirm
with just me knowing
it does not exist
it is nothing.

who has the right
to dictate
what goes on a diary

can something
anything

be kept a secret
private
on the great big abyss of the internet


---


I am annoyed that you are getting to me
you are right
he was right
she was right
I am not the most discreet person in the world
something I am that I never apologized for
why do I feel the need to correct that now
must be
cause you didn't get mad
just disappointed
ah but I feel the need
to please you
and I know
you are right
I am annoyed that you are getting to me